Vinyl Summons Something
Catholic Exorcists in United States vs US Vinyl Record Sales
Vinyl record sales and exorcism requests climbed in perfect harmony. Every spinning LP is apparently opening a portal. Fleetwood Mac is louder than we thought.
“The resonant frequency of a thirty-three-RPM record aligns with minor demonic activity. Your dad's jazz collection is a spiritual hazard.”
— Fr. Needle Drop, Audiophile Exorcist
Real correlation, fake causation
To turn this r ≈ 92% (positive) relationship between Catholic Exorcists in United States and US Vinyl Record Sales into an actual scientific finding, you would need a plausible mechanism, controlled experiments, and replication across independent datasets. We have none of those. We have a chart that goes up at roughly the same rate twice.
That is the whole game of spurious correlations: the math is fine, the meaning is missing. Two lines can rise together because the population grew, because both phenomena are downstream of the same cultural shift, or because the universe has a sense of humor. Picking the comedic interpretation is the only honest move.
Quote attributed to Fr. Needle Drop, Audiophile Exorcist is fictional and intended for entertainment.
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